booknboob.com Blog

Yes, I’m here.  Here.  Here.  Here.

And, that’s only because I’m overdoing it.

I’m polishing off Silas’s plate of healthy, uneaten food (center cut pork chops with a light mustard cream sauce, brown rice, and very lightly sauteed zucchini slices) and drinking my second glass of (not so posh) wine while he sits on the floor mixing corn meal into the sugar bag with a butter knife.

And, I’m not stopping him.

I’m not sure why I’m not.  But, I’m not.

So, there.

I’ve started several holiday posts with no success toward completion.  But they started out really damn good.  If I do say so myself.  So, yeah, at least one of them is in the wings.   Waiting.  Waiting. Waiting.

I hope you had a delightful holiday!

I kept it together so well my mother asked me if I was popping pills.  (Thanks for the vote of confidence.)

I wasn’t.   Popping pills.

So, yeah, I feel like all went really well.

Now Silas has poured corn meal on the floor and is mixing chocolate animal crackers into it.

I’m a bad mother.  Very, very bad.

But, I’m posting, aren’t I?!?

And, it’s like, abstract art.  The mess that Silas is making.

I’m letting him explore his inner Picasso.

Or, whatever.

So, this is where the post ends.  I started it over a week ago.  Haven’t had the time or gumption to finish it.  But, a friend recently said that the key is to post not necessarily to finish the post.  So, here is the first of many unfinished posts.  Expect little direction and nothing profound.  But, expect.

(For the record, I eventually cleaned up the kitchen floor and got Silas to bed.  Not exactly in that order.)

I think I’ve acquired wrinkles since I’ve last been on this site.

I don’t really know what has kept me away.  Another lapse in creative spark.  My sad little slut of  Muse gone packing again.  My mind a virtual mish-mash of uninteresting and pathetic loops forever destined to repeat, repeat, repeat.

At least I can say, for the most part, I haven’t been depressed.  Yippy-friggin-yee!

But, tonight, an ordinary night albeit cloudy night, I am breaking the seal.

(more…)

So, I’ve let time lapse again.

Silas was in the hospital with pneumonia.  Of course, it was very daunting and worrisome and I had this tremendous sense of guilt weighing on me.  Paul had been staying home with him this time (I had just been out with Silas for a week when he had the flu) and I didn’t fully realize how sick he had gotten.  I had had a cold and I thought Silas just had my cold and then wham! he was in the hospital.  In fact, when Paul called to let me know that he decided to take him back to the doctor I just commented that they would give him more antibiotic so I didn’t really see the point.  Ummm…   I was wrong.  And, luckily, Paul was there.  He was right.  And, then we were in the hospital.

Silas is fine now.  Nothing an IV and some rest couldn’t cure.  Still, when your baby’s sick.  It’s just exhausting.

And then we’ve still got all the same old pressures at home.   The money trouble and the unfinished house and the stress.

I had really just wanted to write about my muffin top and instead life threw some heavy things my way.  Again.  And, again.  Oh, the unrelenting nature of it all.

Then I get depressed, then I second guess myself and then I have this problem where I think that everything I write needs to be funny or thought-provoking or profound.  I give myself wicked cases of writer’s block  when I don’t think I can capture the essence of what’s going on in my head.   Or, when I think people wouldn’t be interested in hearing me hem and haw over and over again.  (Oh, you mean, like I am right now???)  I probably could have written a brief piece in the hospital or during Silas’s nap after we got home.  But, it was just too big and too dreary and I was sort-of down and I just couldn’t.

But, here I am.  I am here.  Without anything really profound to say.  Just here.  And, now that I’ve been here, now that I’ve cleared the air once again, I can get down to finishing my muffin top piece.  Because pieces about belly fat are inevitably full of profound, thought-provoking, and humorous moments.  Wouldn’t you think?

Now that I have come clean, I just want to say that I am wildly inspired.

I am also envious of a friend whose blog is so damn beautiful that I want to scream. http://www.iwantnina.blogspot.com

Anyhow, I just spent 30 minutes taking pictures of old books. Maybe I just needed to shed off my old skin and start fresh.

I hope so.

I am supposed to be working on my National Board portfolio, but instead I am here.  Briefly, I must warn you.  But here.  (Sound like yesterday’s rant?  Yeah, I still have nothing to say…)

I’m still recovering from the story my mother just told me.  The one that she thought that I would appreciate because it would never happen to me.  The one in which my mom encountered a woman who had a 5-week-old baby and she just couldn’t believe that the woman had had a baby because she looked so damn good. (Yeah, that means that my mom apparently thinks I don’t look so hot post-partum…)

So what if I cried for a good 20 minutes or so after getting off the phone.

Yeah, I’m not so happy with my weight.  (And, I’m not going to go down that path…  but I’m having trouble doing anything about it.)  But, I do believe that I still look rather hip.  I have fashion sense and I’m naturally, um, attractive and, like, people want to do me.

Did I just say that people want to do me???

Okay, I did.  And, so what?!?  It’s my coping mechanism.

Anyhow, aside from that little aside, things are going along swimmingly.

Well, treadingly.  (That means that we’re treading instead of swimming, so like, we’re making it, but we’re not, uh, moving anywhere fast.)

Silas has refrained from being a whiny little shit the last few days and has been a rather independent little playmonger.  (Whining is one quality that I don’t have the stomach for.  Yeah, when he was biting it pissed me off.  But that constant whining!  I can’t type what I was thinking.  I’ll let you imagine it.  It was frightfully morbid.)

Ummm.  Work is going well.  I, uh, am reading another book.  We had Ahi Tuna Steaks for dinner.  (No, we’re still poor.  Unbelievable sale…)  I bought Silas a potty for his birthday.  (How inventive!)

Feel like we’re on a really bad date?  Me too.

I’m sorry I am so damn blank.

When I get around to it, I do want to tell the story of my battle (and subsequent loss) with Silas the Persistent at Stephapalooza.

Until then,

Yours,

with a post partum jelly belly,

Me.

I’m out on the back deck.  I haven’t been on the back deck all summer.  (Long story. Maybe later.) I’m looking at what was supposed to be my garden– now a well overgrown patch of breast-high weeds in the middle of a yard that desperately needs mowing– and am trying to breathe in the night air without obsessing about what the neighbors must think of us.  It has been so long since I’ve been on my  blog that Wordpress has changed the entire format and I didn’t even know about it.

I’m sorry.

I am alive.

In fact, I’ve started some posts.  I have.  I swear.  But the Internet has been touch and go at our place and I’ve started back to work and ya-da-ya-da-ya-da. 

It’s just that I haven’t felt like I’ve had anything to say.

But, I’m here.  Again.  And you love me.

Don’t you?

(more…)

Those are the hours I worked today.  Just kicked my work shoes off and feel like I’ve been run over by a truck.  Can you forgive me if I wait until tomorrow???

Thanks,

Em

I am, as I type, periodically slapping myself on the wrist.  I’m sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry that I have let my posting lapse this long.  I could make up a myriad of excuses. (And I have many) But, I will make the mature decision and spare you. Getting back to work has been an adventure and very time and energy consuming.  But, I am here, am committed to being here, and will promise to be here tomorrow.  Now, unfortunately, I have to head off to bed.   Paul is starting a new job and tomorrow will be the first morning that I have to get my on makeup and get my hair gelled and dried and my stockings on straight AND get Silas ready all by my lonesome.  I’m sure that will provide some fodder for the blog.  I also have Stephapalooza ~ Part Two in the wings.  And, I feel like I owe you a good ole fashion check in.  So, please, don’t forget about me.  I’m here.  And, I will, will, will, be here tomorrow.  Until then, lots of sloppy kisses with tongue action!  Yours, Emily

Yes, they’re in the oven…