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I was listening to Fresh Air this afternoon.  An episode in which Terry Gross was interviewing late-in-life lesbian and comedian Carol Leifer.  (If you don’t know who Carol Leifer is, don’t feel bad, I didn’t either.  Perhaps I’m out of touch.)  And, I hate how I just prefaced Carol’s name by stating that she was a “late-in-life lesbian” but that’s what half the program was about.  Need I be ashamed?

Anyhow, this Ms. Leifer and her partner Lori, decided to become late-in-life mamas by adopting a little boy named Bruno.

I could go into the whole ain’t it neat that late-in-life women still have the opportunity to become mamas (as Leifer did) or into the whole this is a two-mama family raising a little boy thing (which Leifer did not).

But, I won’t.

I won’t because something more personal, maybe more profound, spoke to me about this conversation.  Leifer became, against all odds, a mama at 50.  And she commented that she is a better mama at 52 than she could have been at 22, 32, 42.  She explained how her place in life is so much more settled, more quiet, less go-go-go.  How now, as a 52 year old she is able to just slow-down, relax, and enjoy her son.

Hmm.

Now I’m kind-of wishing that my uterus would hang tough for another 20 years and allow me this revelation.

I know I’m a better mama than I would have been at 22.  Dazed and confused is often not conducive to quality parenting.

Still.  I’m 32.  Do I know much better?

I had a stressful day today.  Really stressful.  And, while I made dinner and sat and ate with my boy, I also sipped on a a wee-too-much wine and then Face Booked while he colored.   That may not be a sin.  But, I don’t feel good about it.  I mean, I hadn’t seen him all day.  And that’s how I spent our evening together.

I know that’s just an off day. But, lately, I’ve been so friggin’ obsessed by my boards that I am revising entries while Silas is in the tub.  I let him splash until he’s pruny while I type for the 17th friggin’ time my draft of entry 2.

I am alone with Silas most evenings and have this deadline looming over me. I’m just trying to be creative.  But.

But.

That’s not really parenting.  That’s not slowing down, relaxing, enjoying my son.

Instead it’s really go-go-go or survival or laziness or just plain negligence.

It’s hard being a full-time teacher who’s working on National Certification with a husband who works in the evenings.  (Have I said that before?  You think?)

I can complain until I’m blue.

But, the fact of the matter is, I should be spending those hours after work playing with Silas.  That should take 1st priority.  Even if I have a bad day.

Maybe.  Maybe, if I was 52 or 62 or in a whole different tax bracket.  Maybe, I wouldn’t be so damn selfish.

I don’t know how to juggle it all.  And, I’m still learning.

But I teemed with jealousy at Leifer’s realizations, at her living life all over again through her son’s eyes, at her ability to put Bruno first 99% of the time.

How do I be more like that?  More in-tuned?  More relaxed?  When I have so much on my ugly 32-year-old plate?

I don’t know.

I do know I am forgiving myself my Face Book time.  I am forgiving myself my tub time revisions.  I am forgiving myself the immaturity and the go-go-go of my age.

I can only try and do better next time.

And, you know, next time, I will.

And then, inevitably, I will falter again.  And, then I will be back here pondering it again.  And, then I will do better and the cycle will go on and on.  But, at least, I’m trying.

Amen.

PS-  If you’re a secret fan– and I know there are some of you out there as your secret becomes public from time to time–  I ask you two favors:  comment every once in a while and if you haven’t check out my archives.   Once I was funny.  No seriously.  I was funny.  And, thanks for reading.

This entry was posted on Friday, February 12th, 2010 at 10:25 pm and is filed under Just (not so) Plain Life, On Working and Writing and Mothering and ..., Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.