On Silence
This is the second night that I’ve come home to the boys already nestled, all snug in the bed.
Hoo-yah!
Before you think that I’m some sort-of partyholic, I should say that this late night homecoming is not my regular deal. I had an improv performance last night– it went very well thank you– and I attended a local play this evening. And while I enjoyed being out doing the artsy thing, I think the homecoming was even more riveting.
Because the homecoming involved the silence and the silence is chocolate.
Last night, at midnight, I actually brewed a small pot of coffee, pulled out the sofa sleeper, and curled up with my computer, my baby blanket, my body pillow, and Alice Sebold’s The Lovely Bones which I am finally reading despite the rape and murder and the possibility of anxiety attacks. (Why am I reading it then? Well, I somehow ended up with two free hardback copies and I took it as a sign.)
I like to say that I don’t know exactly what prompted me to pull the sleeper out.
(Well, aside from the fact that I never know what exciting treasure I’m going to find underneath it. Last night’s booty included a tube of lip balm, two toy cars, a quarter, and our best set of baby nail clippers that I had been lost for some time now.)
I know I used the excuse that Silas was so soundly stretched across our bed that he was impossible to move.
But, that was a lie, really. I pulled the sleeper out for the sheer peace.
It’s not that I don’t enjoy sleeping next to my husband. I do. I also enjoy the nights when Silas sleeps with us all snuggled up and kicking. I have even learned to enjoy the bruises I get on my legs and arms as I try to defend my little sliver of space.
And, during the day, it’s not that I dislike the constant banging of metal spatulas on metal bowls, or the crying, the babbling, the laughter. I do love listening to my husband play guitar. Even when he’s plugged in to the amp. Even when he’s trying to compensate for the hearing loss that must effectively cripple all electric musicians.
It’s just that the silence and the space are rare pearls in an ocean of mass chaos. And if I have learned anything from my wild ride through Mommydom it is that space and silence are to be revered above all things.
Deep sigh.
Honestly, I don’t know that I ever really appreciated the silence before. I’m sure I enjoyed it from time to time, but I don’t know that I ever reveled in it. Tasted it. Molded it into something breathtaking and beautiful.
Lately when presented with the gift of silence, I get wild. I breathe, roll back my shoulders, twirl my fingers through my hair. Write. Write. Write.
You see, in Mommyland, it’s not just that the silence is precious, it’s that the silence is full. It is, at least for me, full of inspiration, of gratitude, of life. The silence is no longer a void, but an opportunity. No longer a lonely time, but a time to connect with one’s self.
You see, now that I am a mom, I have so much more to be inspired by, to think about, to have gratitude for, to feel.
I have so much more and I am thankful.
And now, I have to go because it’s 1am and because in Mommyland sleep is also something to be revered.
July 26th, 2009 at 7:25 am
Silence is indeed a rare pearl when you’re a mom! I always end up doing my writing and other creative endeavors at night, usually later than I should. You are so right about not appreciating that and so many other things before having kids. It’s just one great big learning experience…
July 26th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Hey! I thought I would get caught up on your blog. As far as silence goes, we have a love-hate relationship. I like being alone sometimes with my thoughts, but sometimes my thoughts can be louder and more judging than anything else in the world. But, I have also went on some wonderful journeys that have given me some of my best ideas.
July 26th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
JDawg, thanks for reading. I’m honored. I know this is sort-of a mommy blog, but I’m sure you can find some manly/funny/interesting things in the “favorites” section. Again, thanks. I really appreciate it.