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I’m just coming off of a seven hour cleaning high.  And, ahhhh, I needed that.  I’m only working 1/2 days now and Silas took an extra long nap and somehow I got my momentum going and then Bam! for the first time in, uh, six months, I feel like I have a home again!  Teaching full time and parenting full time is no easy task.  Tack on a giant remodeling project that you did not consent to and it’s, well, hell actually.

(My God!  Did you hear that Michael Jackson died today?!?  Honestly, I don’t know how to feel about that.  Despite all the recent oddities, I do have some super fond Thriller-album memories…)

Anyhow, I have a few more rooms to go.  The bathroom could use a once over.  Our laundry room is pitiful and my “reading room”  is more than a bit trashy.  Still, I got under the beds and into the closets!  Now, that’s progress.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll make a pot roast.

(That pot roast bit is a joke, but it’s not a funny one.)

So, in just two days, Paul and I are meeting my parents to drop Silas off for his first big trip with Grandma and Grandpa.  Aside from one night in Charleston over a year ago, Paul and I have not had a Silas-free night since he was born.  We haven’t been to the movies together in almost two years!  So, yeah, we’re looking forward to it.

That doesn’t mean I’m not apprehensive.

First there’s the issue of Silas actually being gone.

Today a friend was watching him. (You know, because the day care is closed.  He does have a low grade fever by the way, but no other symptoms of the flu.  If it’s your style you can pray for us.  Or light a candle.  Or do a voo-doo dance.  Or at least keep your damn fingers crossed.)  So, yeah a friend was watching him and I was a little weirded out that she would be taking Silas places in her car.  That’s how sheltered Silas has become.  He doesn’t even ride in other people’s vehicles.  That’s how insulated we all have become.  It’s almost sick.  Now, he’ll be gone for three, well almost four, whole days!  Whatever shall I do?

Okay, that’s one issue.

So, the other one.  (Beat around the bush, beat around the bush…)  Ummm, Paul and I are actually going to be alone in the house together.  Yeah, alone.  Sans Silas.   Just the two of us.  Me and, uh, him.

I’m a bit frightened.

I’m thinking we’ll walk back through our door on Sunday afternoon and twiddle our thumbs in awkward silence.  I don’t know how I feel about that.  (Didn’t I just say that about Michael Jackson?)

Sure, I’m excited about the possibility of a date.  And, if I keep this whole home-ish thing going on, the possibility of honest relaxation.  (Oh, the thrill of it!)  But, I don’t even know Paul anymore.  Not a Paul without Silas anyway.  And, it’s not that I don’t want to.  But, honestly, I don’t even know me anymore.  Yeah, not a me without Silas.  So you have to ask, are these two childless strangers going to even dig each other?

I have some reservations.

I think a large part of the problem is that I’ve been dodging my marriage and using motherhood as an excuse.  I’ve been doing this for some time.  Yeah, approximately 20 months and 8 days.  Or, about since Silas was three weeks old.  I use mothering as an excuse not to be intimate, not to have sex, not to see things eye to eye.  Strip me of that and what the hell excuse do I have?  (I better think of something damn quick!  Since I have an IUD, menstruation’s not gonna cut it…)

Yeah, things will be a wee bit raw.  (Emotionally, Melisa.)

And, don’t tell me it’s like riding a bike.  Learning to be a couple after a kid is tough stuff.  I’m surprised we’ve made it this far.  And we used to have (or at least I thought we used to have) a really solid thing going.  Now, I’m afraid to be alone with him.  Whew!

Today, I overheard a co-worker telling a real estate agent that she is in the process of getting a separation.  She has two boys and one is only 7 months old.  It made me feel sad for her but almost relieved.  Of course I don’t know the particulars, but I was relieved to know that someone else was finding marriage and children tough.  Now that I’ve written that down I feel pretty shallow.   But, I’m just being honest.  I get all wound up sometimes when people seem to be going along all pretty and pink.

In fact, I can hardly stomach couples with two (or more) kids.

Especially if they’re smiling.

Often, in the words of the cowardly lion, I think “what have they got that I haven’t got? Harumph!”  (One thing they might got is family close by.  Or maybe, they got their sanity.  Or maybe they got both their family and their sanity.  Hallelujah!)

Yeah, I’m just green.  Insane and green and family-less.

Because, you know, I’ve been thinking a lot about having another baby.  In fact, I’d like another one.  IF we didn’t have raw beams holding up the entryway to our kitchen.  Or if I didn’t have to carry a sock full of change to the grocery store to buy bread.  Or, if, uh, I wasn’t spending a half hour writing about how nervous I am to be alone with my spouse.

Yeah, there are a few things to figure out before taking that leap.

But I guess everything starts out with a single step.  I cleaned our bedroom today.  Silas has stopped putting everything in his mouth and has started telling us when he’s gone pee-pee-poo-poo.  And, I’ve got a few days with Paul to try and find ourselves again.

Sounds like a step to me.

Now, just a few hundred more steps and maybe we’ll talk.

And, don’t worry, I’ll keep you posted.

(To those of you managing with multiples, I hope I did not offend.  But right now you just happen to be up there with women who maintain a size 4, eat doughnuts, and refuse to exercise.  If you are a size four, and you have three kids, and you eat doughnuts, and you’re still married, you best stay out of my way…)

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 25th, 2009 at 10:59 pm and is filed under On Competitiveness, On Friends and Family, On Working and Writing and Mothering and .... You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.