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About a month ago, I spent a good 24 hours detoxing in the most primitive of ways: vomiting every last nutritive (and non-nutritive) fiber stored, however temporarily, in my upper digestive system while simultaneously (well almost simultaneously praise the lord!) urinating out my behind.

It was a lovely, lonely, humbling experience.

Even more lovely, more lonely, and more humbling because I was the last to catch it.  Having splattered my forehead with lamb’s blood and tainting my water with a dose of effervescent propaganda (a.k.a Airborn), I was certain that the illness would pass me by.  Ha! Ha! Double Ha-ha!  And just when I was in the midst of some heartless gloating…

Still, I am thankful for the experience.  Not only because it proved that I have wrought iron control of my sphincter muscles when the situation calls for it, but because it forced me to do nothing but lie in bed.  And, for a few moments, while I was still in the early stages of the illness, when I was still convinced that that first upchuck was really going to be the last, Silas came to hug his momma good night.  This particular hug was so sweet and so lovely because I really couldn’t focus on anything else.  I was forced to enjoy the moment and I was thankful.

Funny, I thought, both then and now, that it took my being bedridden (and dreadfully ill) to fully enjoy the moment and be present.  I had to break out of my frenzied, day-to-day shackles to be at peace.

This still holds true.

I’m on Spring Break and Silas and I just spent five days with my parents off of the coast of South Carolina on Edisto Island.  Away from the daily stress and rank, grinding hum-drum of daily living, watching Silas learn and grow is an immense pleasure.  (Well, watching my family take care of him wasn’t too bad either.)   While I sometimes experience anxiety about spending a full day with the little monster when Paul isn’t home, I felt more enthusiasm than anxiety when we returned from the coast.   Vacation, family, free time what wonders they can achieve.

So, I’m looking for little ways to break through the daily chain of events and find those sweet spots in which I can truly enjoy being a mom.

And they have happened outside of illness and vacation.

They’ve happened when I’ve decided to let go of the pile of laundry in the corner of our bedroom or the toys on the floor.  They’ve happened when I’ve decided to let go of my shadow of depression or the constant companion of my anxiety and just delved into play for better or for worse.   They’ve also happened when I wasn’t expecting them to– when I wasn’t thinking or trying– when I just stopped and realized that I was having fun. (Speaking of fun, you should’ve seen Silas on his first egg hunt.  Not only is he brilliant– he figured it out in two seconds flat– but he is, as I suspected, an olympian or some manner of superhero both fast, focused, and furious!)

Back to those enjoyable moments.  Maybe reprioritizing is the key.  Or, lowering my domestic expectations.  Maybe just plain acceptance– accepting that my house will be messy and that I will read less books.  (Yes, I’ve finally had to admit it.  I am reading less books.)  Perhaps, most importantly, being present also requires space.  Space for your child, space for your spouse and your family.  But, maybe, first and foremost space for yourself.  I think that’s what I am missing.  My personal space.

So, another toast.  (I just love toasting.)  Raise your coffee mug because I’m taking some space right now.  I’ve dropped Silas off at day care (he LOVES it, so I don’t feel guilty) and am sitting at a coffee shop (even though we can’t afford the coffee) and am writing this post (even though I haven’t showered– sorry fellow coffee drinkers).  And, in a few minutes I’ll be headed home to get the house in minimal order.

Clean, you question?  Well, I have a plan:  for every 15 minutes of cleaning, I’ll spend 5 finishing Breaking Dawn.  (I’m finally undepressed enough to finally enjoy the Twilight series again!!!)

I am hoping that by taking this time today, I will be an energetic, focused mama tomorrow.  While we’re on Friday’s Mills River picnic, I won’t be thinking about the dishes.  (Although I might be thinking about Edward Cullen…)

It’s tough being two working parents with no family near by.  Whew!

Anyhow, to space!  Salute!  May you find some, may I continue to find some, may we take care of ourselves enough to be the best parents possible.

Amen.

I’ll let you now how the space thing goes…  when I have the space again to write.

This entry was posted on Thursday, April 16th, 2009 at 10:28 am and is filed under On Working and Writing and Mothering and .... You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.