booknboob.com Blog

I just finished telling a friend about how great it is that we’ve decided to let Silas cry it out. It’s so damn liberating, I said. He still cries sometimes when we put him down, but nothing like the first night. And, he’s so much happier, I said. He never cries when he’s awake anymore. I have so much more time. My husband and I are starting to spend time together again. We’re planning a trip to a cabin in the mountains. I’m writing. It may be the best thing we’ve ever done as parents. It’s so damn liberating!

Last night, when I woke to nurse Silas, he ate eagerly. I rocked in the glider dreaming of sleep. When he was finished, he stopped and smiled at me and didn’t make a sound. I hugged him, whispered good night and put him back in his crib. He smiled again, a big, bright-eyed, smile. The kind that only babies give– with nothing but love and innocence behind it. Then he grabbed his taggie blanket, rolled on his side, and went to sleep. It was almost divine.

This morning at nap time, he feel asleep without a peep. When he woke up, he didn’t cry for me. I heard him playing over the monitor. He was talking and rolling and laughing to himself. When I looked over the edge of his crib, he just smiled and continued playing. He’s nearly self-sufficient.

But, this afternoon, he was not so happy. It was not divine. As his protests got louder, I kept telling myself: You have to finish what you’ve started. Minor interruptions will set us back. He’s happier. He’s sleeping. I’m so damn liberated. I scoured the sleep book for what I don’t know. Convinced myself that these were different cries. Not just protests. Went to his room and found him on his stomach. It scared me. I picked him up and nursed him and put him down again.

Of course, he cried again. Louder this time.
I folded laundry. Put it away. Hummed to myself.

When he stopped crying, I thought I could still hear him. Like a person who has lost their arm, but reaches to scratch it anyway.

My heart wouldn’t slow down.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 5th, 2008 at 7:33 pm and is filed under On Sleep Training and Sanity. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.